Banned
Boardmember Brought Back, Put on Preventative Probation
December 6, 2001
ASTORIA,
NEW YORK (AP)---Tonight, it seems that two weeks of horrific fighting
(which has fragmented the once loving IthacaMafia.com messageboard),
may finally be coming to a close. It began two weeks ago, when local
personality "Deeb" was banned for "conduct unbecoming
to a Jedi". This action caused the fledgling cyber-community to
erupt with debate, and led to the Deeb becoming an outlaw and dissenter.
There were discussions & debates--even an attempted negotiation
of peace last Friday--but there was no strong political push to renounce
the banishment. Until Tonight.
This evening,
in reaction to the inflammatory words of unknown writer "Rick Throbincock",
the Jedi seemed united against a new enemy. Initially, many members
were reported to find Mr.Throbincock funny--however, the laughter abruptly
stopped for most when the mystery man's verbal blades were turned towards
them. After an impassioned call from Jedi Sperm, who has remained silent
through the last weeks events (but is reported to have sided with Deeb),
Jedi Kluv finally released his decision.
"In
light of recent events, such as the verbal attacks by Mr.Throbincock,
and due in part to Jedi Sperm's call for unity, I have decided to
bring Deeb back to the messageboard", a tired looking Gen.
Kluv said from the steps of his apartment building at this evening's
press conference. "I, in good conscience, cannot deny Deeb the
opportunity to respond to the comments made by Mr.Throbincock. Continuing
Petey's banishment in light of these events would be akin to poking
a caged animal with a pointed stick. Deeb must be able to fight back.
Our new mystery man may think he's the new "Cock of the walk",
but with Pete released on him--he will be cock of nothing.
Kluv, however,
insisted that Deeb's return is not unconditional. "In order for
Deeb to become a productive member of our society again, he must for
the next few weeks follow the following guidelines: One: That
he post no more than 8 (eight) times in one day. Two:That at
no time, shall the messageboard have more THREE (3) posts reading that
the last comment has been written be Deeb (or Mujahadeeb, or Jedi Deeb,
et. all). Three:That Deeb shall not ever reply to his own message.
Even in case of emergency. Four: That Deeb shall use the "Spell
Check" service provided by the Messgeboard each and every time
he posts. Five:His posts will be supervised by Sperm, but I reserve
the right to EDIT--at any time--Deeb's posts, due to content, length,
or personal reasons."
"Thanks
to Sperm's sponsorship, I hope deeb can focus and channel his energies.
It is time to fight the good fight. We welcome him back."
The Story
Behind The Story: D-Day
(12/6/01)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rock McDonald here. Giving you The Story Behind The Story.
The Moment Is Upon Us. It is D-day. The day of decision for General
Kluv. Will Deeb return to the message board? Or will the Jedi banish
him forever? All wait with baited breath for Kluv's answer.
If Kluv decides
to let the masses choose, then it looks as if Deeb may be out of luck.
The poll on the board speaks clearly. The Jedi are NOT in favor of Deeb's
return. This reporter, as always, is riding the fence. Waiting.
Well, that's
the story. Now here's The Story Behind The Story.
Well, it seems I have some "competition" for the attention
of the infomation reading Jedi. Mister Throbincock, or should I say
"Dickhead", has made a crude swipe at my reporting skills.
Along with base insults aimed at Deeb and Kluv, among other Jedi.
Well you
heard it here first,
Rick Throbincock is the real enemy.
This is a
person who is trying to drive a wedge through an already fractured Ithaca
Mafia. He makes it sound as if he's not taking sides, but he's creating
a SIDE of his own. One who sits in judgement of others without revealing
himself for others to take a shot at him. Now, I suppose his retort
could be that I as well remain "unrevealed" to some of the
Jedi, but I am not the one throwing around insults. I am reporting information
given to me by sourses. Passing along helpful information for ENJOYMENT.
Not for insults. This reporter thinks that "Jedi Dickhead"
should take a long look in the mirror.
I call upon
all my faithful reeders to support my request for a ban against Mister
Throbincock. Until next time. When I promise the long overdue interviews
with Deeb & Kluv!
Telling
You Like It Is: Competition.
By: Rick Throbincock
I don’t
know about all of you, but I’m pretty sick of Mr. Rock McDonald
or RockMcD or whatever they hell he calls himself. After all his babbling
is said and done we have a few half-truths, an accusation, and one or
two out and out lies. “This ones the traitor, that ones scared,
this one will win.” Pretty much all bullshit in the end. How the
hell does he know? One thing I’ll tell you straight “I don’t
know shit.” No inside source. No shaky reports. Nothing. Just me
seeing what I see and telling you what I think of it. So let’s
start. Deeb’s an asshole. Stays up all night just to post a bunch
of messages? On a Saturday night? GET A LIFE. Turn off the PS2 or HBO
and join the real world. Save the posting for boring weekday afternoons
at work. Dropped the daisy cutter. Someone should explain to me what
a daisy cutter is, and then shove it straight up Deeb’s ass.
Supplements, midgets and sexual diapers. Does anyone else think that
the ban on Deeb should include breathing? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH
THIS GUY?!!!!! And could SOMEONE explain to him that the reason why
Bill Gates is the richest man in the world is because he created SPELL
CHECK. Live it, love it, USE IT. God damn it. It’s “SITE.”
“NOT SIGHT.” As in webSITE. Jesus. Maybe if he could stop
thinking about roids and Dune all the time he could have a productive
thought. Although is Kluv any better? I just don’t know. I mean
this is the guy who put this whole gay SITE together in the first place.
Jedi Mafia. It’s mixing two movie fantasies into one pile of shit.
Jedi Dickhead. That’s gonna be my name. Jedi Dickhead. Lover of
pussy. Hater of latex. Plus 5 when battling tight sphincter. I’m
gonna write cute shit about bad movies. Or the stupid fucking TV show
I work for. Yeah lets rub that in someone’s face. “Oh I’m
so sorry you can barely pay your rent, but I’m going to dinner
with Todd Zeile! In my new car!” GO TO HELL!!!
I mean face it. Buffalo sucks. Boston sucks. The Red Sox really suck.
And the Yankees can just lick my ass. The Simpsons are OVER. Harry Potter’s
OVERRATTED. And Episode 2 probably WILL suck. Arguing over it will just
make the sucking hurt more. “Hi can I have your ten bucks. Now
bend over for your tri-annual Lucas ass reaming.”
I don’t know who’s the bigger asswipe Deeb or Kluv. I can’t
explain why Rock McDick thinks he’s the next Geraldo Rivera. I
can just tell them all to go to hell. Or at least shut the FUCK up.
See ya real soon.
The Story
Behind The Story - (11/28/01,
1:12am EST)
Rock McDonald
here. Bringing you The Story Behind The Story.
The last day or so has seen little front line action from the rogue
Deeb against General Kluv and the Jedi. Monday saw a quick strike from
Deeb, which was quickly sqwelched by Lt. Duck. But nothing since then.
A communication disruption can mean only one thing...invasion.
Like my old buddy Forta used to say, "It's quiet. Too quiet."
Well, that's
the story. Now to The Story Behind The Story.
My ground breaking article from Monday seems to have sent shockwaves
through the Jedi ranks. Lt. Duck, as predicted, was quick to deny any
involvement in a plot to overthrow General Kluv. But the absence of
his apprentice Diesel hasn't gone unnoticed. In fact, General Kluv has
announced that he has proof of a traitor in his camp. Could he
be speaking of Duck? Perhaps an other? This reporter is working day
and night to figure it all out for you.
But I have
uncovered this: someone within the Jedi ranks is secretly recuiting
allies outside of the fold to build their forces for an all out attack.
My information is sketchy right now. But the attack is being planned
to coincide with a major holiday!!! A Jedi going outside of the fold?
The unthinkable is happening. The first step to being consummed by the
Dark Side.
On a different
front, the mystery of the Sperm continues. I reported earlier that Sperm
was seen lunching with Deeb but I cannot absolutely confirm this. Sperm's
handlers at William Morris released a statement saying Jedi Sperm in
Los Angeles working on a new project with former Astoria Jedi, Worm.
We'll see.
General Kluv seems in complete trust of Sperm and his loyality to the
Jedi. Hmmm. This reporter is starting to think General Kluv may be too
trusting. On the other hand, he could be the one pulling all the strings.
Only time will tell.
Well, that's
it. Until tomorrow when I promise
something
big.
---------------------------------
(11/27/01,
1:09pm EST)
Rock McDonald
here. Giving you up to date info on: THE WAR OF THE JEDI.
My regular
Story Behind The Story will be coming later today. But now for
the breaking news:
Jedi Deeb
has been spotted!!! He was lunching in midtown at Ben Benson's steakhouse.
My source indicates he was with two gentlemen. Information is sketchy
but early reports indicate that one of Deeb's guests could be...JEDI
SPERM! This may come as shocking news, but the real shocker could
be the identity of the second guest. My source inside the resturant
was unable to confirm the second man's identity. But reminded me of
the delicious cream spinach they have at Ben Benson's. Goes so nice
with a Porterhouse. ANYWAY, I'm working on it. Rumors are abound about
the growing power of Deeb. Stay tuned.
-Rock
The Story
Behind The Story: Who’s Really Running The Show?
By Rock McDonald
Rock McDonald
here. Giving you The Story Behind The Story.
Since the Thanksgiving holiday we have seen changes that have rocked
the Ithaca Mafia world. Deeb has been banned. General Kluv, the head
at Elevational Computing, has promised full protection from Deeb and
his minions. But Saturday night saw a MAJOR break in security.
It seems to this impartial reporter that General Kluv may have underestimated
the intellect of the one they call Deeb. Kluv has called in Lieutenants
Duck and Gimp, but neither has proven effective against the hit and
run tactics of Deeb. One thing this reporter knows to be true is: Deeb
will not go quietly.
But logic
(& shear numbers) denotes that Deeb will be defeated. Unless something
changes.
Which brings
us to The Story Behind The Story.
We’ve already seen many powerful Jedi throw their support behind
General Kluv. Duck, Gimp, BoBo, Diesel, and Ire have voiced their support.
We can expect Frants to follow suit. Their influence will sway the decision
of many of the outer world Jedi. To avoid an all out war, most will
support the current regime. But there is something, or should I say
someone, who is being grossly overlooked. A member of the inner council
of the Astoria Jedi, a powerful Jedi, and a lifelong ally of Deeb. The
question no one has asked, (certainly not that slut Kaity Tong) and
it should be noted that it was Rock McDonald who asked first:
WHO HAS
THE SUPPORT OF JEDI SPERM?
Sperm’s background is one of a loner. He can be a dangerous foe
or faithful ally. Most were shocked by his decision to join the Jedi
in the first place. He was one of the first Ithacans to settle in Astoria
and survived long before the arrival of the mafia. Never one to divulge
much of his past or even his present for that matter, he was embraced
by the Jedi. Most felt regardless of his past, Sperm’s power and
influence was enough to bring him into the fold. But General Kluv may
grow to regret that decision.
Despite many
rumors (& false posts) no one has heard from Sperm. An inside source
tells this reporter that the silence is driving Kluv mad. He was sent
into a “Cobra Commander” like rage at the mention of Sperm’s
name. But he secretly hopes that Sperm will join his faction, thus all
but sealing Deeb’s fate. But this reporter thinks most are betting
the Sperm will go the other way. Sperm and Kluv have disagreed in the
past over the direction of the Jedi, and the bad blood over the Yankees
and Red Sox (not to mention Scott Norwood) is well documented.
My source tells me that Jedi Duck has already sent into motion plans
to prevent Sperm’s “betrayal”. Duck has been overheard
saying that he, “fears the damage that a pairing of Deeb &
Sperm could bring.” Although Gimp has been quoted as saying, “Those
Fuckers couldn’t find their dicks with a lightsaber.” Not
sure what that means, but my source tells me that Duck’s reaction
is nothing but show. Its not the pairing of Sperm & Deeb that he
fears, but the pairing of Sperm & Kluv!
Duck, along
with Jedi Diesel, have been planning a take over of the Jedi for months!!!
Ever since Kluv was slow to post a Mrs. Grundy gig on the site, Duck
has lost faith in the Jedi leadership. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.
Duck will
betray Kluv in a play for the leadership of the Jedi. And he fears Sperm’s
loyalty to Kluv. Without it Kluv is susceptible to assassination. Some
have even suggested that Duck and Deeb have joined forces to overthrow.
Even this open-minded reporter finds that impossible to believe. But
weirder things have happened. Well maybe not, but they could.
Well, when
it’s all said and done, the question still begs: Who has the support
of Jedi Sperm?
Its seems as though whom ever gains it will win the war. Let the games
begin!
- Will Deeb
gain the Sperm support to turn the tide?
- Will Kluv discover he has a traitor in house?
- Will Duck hatch his plan, or backtrack into denial?
- Will BoBo ever rid himself of that terrible rash?
- Does Sperm even give a @#%$?
This is Rock
McDonald signing off until tomorrow, when I promise more of The Story
Behind The Story, in the WAR OF THE JEDI.
DEEB ON THE
LAMB, SOUGHT BY AUTHORITIES IN DISSAPEARANCE OF JEDI CITY IN TURMOIL OVER 'MESSAGEBOARD CONFLICT', GEN.
KLUV ASSAULTED BY PROTESTER
Saturday,
November 24, 2001
By Jeremy Johnson
NEW YORK
(AP) -- Local Authorities today issued an All Points Bulletin warning
local Jedi about the rogue member known as 'Deeb', for this holiday
weekend. Following the dissapearance of one Jedi Frants (who has not
been heard from since late Wednesday), Deeb has been sought by the Policia
for questioning. A search of Jedi Frants apartment revealed that some
sort of stuggle took place, and it seems that the Laptop computer found
therein was exhibiting signs of illegal access. An unknown user (possibly
the person responsible for Jedi Frants' dissapearance) attempted to
use the computer to gain access to the internet, but was thwarted by
the use of a password ('ithaca' in this case). Two other Mafia Members,
Jedi Sperm & Jedi No, reported hearing strange noises outside of
their apartment windows. Sources from the government have revealed that
Deeb aka 'Petey' aka 'Schweets' is the prime suspect, stemming from
the messageboard bannings of this past week (see 11/21/01). Authorities
have stressed that all Jedi lock their doors and windows, password protect
their accounts, not to go out alone, and not to respond to any suspicous
unregistered posts on the Elevational Messageboard.
-------------------------------------
Activity
on the Messageboard
swelled this evening with a mass-post attack by renegade mafia member
Deeb. Where he gained access to a computer has not been determined yet,
and authorities place the beginning of the attack somwhere around 8
or 9PM EST. Posts began appearing on the board in all sections this
evening by numerous 'Unregistered Users' (all from the same Internet
Address), many of which sported the name 'Deeb'. Authorities were also
momentarily confused by apparent posts from Jedirish and Sperm, but
upon further investigation, it was discovered that both were created
by the banned Deeb. Where was Lt. Duck during these attacks? Many citizens
asked the same question and some marched upon City Hall this evening
'demanding satisfaction' at the Watchman's apparent lack of 'watching'.
In a statement released by Gen. Kluv's office, the utmost faith was
placed in the Messageboard's Head Watchman: "We
have the utmost faith in Jedi Duck, and are very proud and thankful
for his efforts in this War Against Deebeyism. He has been working quite
hard this past week to keep your messageboard safe and free of midget-talk,
but there is only so much one man can do. We became aware of the situation
late this evening, but as it was a Saturday night--we had no way of
knowing that Deeb would strike. --I mean, what 20-something stays home
to post on a messageboard
at 9pm on a SATURDAY NIGHT? We honsestly didn't consider him to be that
desperate. We shant underestimate him again..."
Officials also stated that they do have credible evidence that Deeb
will attempt another attack within the next week. The urge all citizens
to be vigilant, and report any suspicious posts to their local mafia
member. When asked how these recent attacks will affect Deeb's 'Temporary
Two-Week Banishment', i.e.: possibly extending it; the spokesperson
responded: "No Comment."
-------------------------------------
General Kluv
was seen this weekend entertaining the members of the Royal Family,
the Queen Mother and Sister, throughout Manhattan today. He posed for
pictures while walking through Greenwich Village and was spotted frequenting
the stores 'Urban Outfitters', 'H&M', & 'Bananna Republic' with
his guests. After seeing an afternoon showing of the Broadway Musical
'The Full Monty', Gen. Kluv stopped to answer questions from the press.
While he was giving his enthusiastic review of the show, a protester
ran towards Gen. Kluv shouting words "Down with Kluv! Viva la Deeb!
Viva La Revoluson!" while he threw a bucket of red paint into the
General's face. (The protester was quickly wrestled to the ground by
personal security.) Looking shaken, Gen. Kluv was immediately escorted
into a nearby car where he and his family was driven off. The Generalisimo
kept his evening reservations at Ruby Foo's however, and seemed to be
in much better sprits after a delicious dessert bento box. However,
there is an unconfirmed report that upon returning to his apartment,
Kluv found that his cat had been shaved, and a sign reading "SAUSAGE
FINGERS LIVES" was spray-painted upon the walls. Are these actions
the work of a small group of unconnected rebels? Or is there a much
larger underground sect following the teachings of Deeb? Authorities
refuse to speculate, but answers are being desperately saught tonight
as many people across the city wonder:
"Does
Kluv really have control?"
LOCAL
MESSAGEBOARD GROUPIE BANNED DUE TO ANNOYANCE, BOREDOM
By William
Zieback
NEW YORK
(AP) -- Late this afternoon, at approx. 5:14PM EST, a user known as
"DEEB" was banned from the "Elevational Computing Messageboard".
This ban comes with little surprise to the regular denizens of the messageboard,
as “Deeb” has been threatened with such actions many times
in the past. A user known as “Jedi Frants” commented: “yeah,
it was pretty obvious what was going to happen. I mean, he’s come
close before with all the nonsense posts about ‘Deeb this…’
and ‘supplements that…’—but when he started lacing
into the new Episode II trailer? …come on. You know how
Kluv feels about Star Wars...”
Owner of
the messageboard, “Jedi Kluv” is a well-known Star Wars Junkie.
Witnesses reported that after “Deeb” began to speak ill of
the new Star Wars trailer, “Kluv” went into a quiet rage.
But girlfriend “GiMp” was quoted as saying: “Sure, he
was really angry at first…but by the time the 4th hour of back
and forth with “Deeb” kept going on, it seemed he was becoming
annoyed with the whole thing. He was getting bored, you know? So he
banned him. It wasn’t a decision that he took lightly, either.”
she said, “I could see he was really torn up about it, but in the
end I think he did it for the betterment of the community. I’m
just glad it wasn’t me…”
Unnamed sources
inside the messageboard have reacted with uneasiness to the banning.
“What’s next?”, one source stated. “I mean, if I
don’t like the Bills, am I gone too? And we all know how he feels
about the Yankees… I just fear where this could lead.” Some
believe that “Kluv” is looking to fashion himself as the ruler
of the messageboard in the vein of a Star Wars character named ‘Palpatine’,
who eventually rises to become the ‘Emperor of the Galaxy, and
Master of the Dark Side of the Force’. For now, there is an uneasy
quiet on the board. It seems that all are holding their breath. Waiting
to see how the situation pans out.
Calls to
“Kluv” were not returned, but there was a statement issued
from his office. It reads: “We are saddened that we were forced
to take this action upon Mr. Deeb today, but felt it was in the best
interest of all. We hope that Mr. Deeb takes this time to reflect and
realize the errors of his ways. In two weeks, if he conquers his daemons—then
we look forward to returning him to the board as a full upstanding member
of our wonderful new Utopian cyber-society.”
----------------------------------------------
DEEB STILL
LURKING? LT. DUCK SAYS 'NO WAY!'
Astoria,
NY (AP)-- Sources close to the Ithacamafia Messageboard, the previously
peaceful online community recently ripped apart by bitter struggles
for power that ended in one member's expulsion from the board, have
reported that no sooner had the aformentioned member been expelled than
a new post, signed with the name of the offender, "Deeb,"
appeared on the board. Luckily, Ithacamafia high Lieutenant Brian "Jedi
Duck" Maillard caught the post and deleted it. No one was harmed.
Maillard was given control of a major section of the messageboard when
it was determined that his lack of job and access to a high speed cable
modem made him a prime candidate for the position.
"I was
just doing my job," says Maillard. "If anyone tried to make
an unauthorized post, I would have deleted it. It made no difference
to me that he was a Mafia member." According to anonymous sources,
there has been tension in the past between Deeb and Maillard, when Deeb
apparently reacted "far too seriously" to a statement of Maillard's.
The ensuing argument led to the formation of Deeb's own forum, "Canned-pigs
and pickle fingers," by General Kluv, known as the great peacemaker.
Let us hope, for the sake of this community, that he lives up to that
cognomen.
-Chuck Knoblauch
----------------------------------------------
INCIDENT
FELT IN PARTS OF NEW JERSEY, PIT OF STOMACH
Vernon, NJ
(CR-AP) The banning of Mr. Deeb reaches far and wide this Wednesday
evening before Thanksgiving leaving people shaken, not stirred. It appears
that after a full day of non-stop badgering, Mr. Deeb was forced off
the board. But how will this be enforced??? At a press conferance held
just minutes ago many questions were answered.
Q: "How
do you plan to keep him off the board, I mean isn't it possible for
him to just log on as a new non-member and post?"
A spokesperson
for Kluv responded "Not through his normal computer, as his IP
address has been banned, but there may be ways to circumvent
the measures we have put in place. Therefore, we have a very reliable
man on the job who will, morning, noon and night monitor the board to
keep him or anything that might be percieved as him off. All
we can say is be careful, always wear plastic gloves when opening your
email. Never open anything with a forigen return address, possibly from
a land that became popular after a poorly concieved movie starring Sting.
But most importantly, if you have 19,20 or 21 year old daughters in
the first semester of their senior year of college do not let them out
of your site. He targets the easily duped. Remind them of their future
and how everything that goes around comes in their hair"
Well thats
all from here, now we just sit and wait, with baited breath.
-Kaity Tong
Things
to see other than the 'Harry Potter' movie.
(November, 2001)
You kids
like plays? How about free plays? How about plays created by friends
of yours? How about plays you can see in other states? How about you
just take a look at what your peers are doing? They've got some stuff
for you. Go now. Yeah. Now. It's right down the street there. That's
right...keep goin'...it's right there. it's right around the corner.
Right there... yeah, go in... No--right there. Go on in...
